Somewhere Between Fact & Fiction You Will Find…FICTS! #9

Can you believe it, it’s the final FICT of week 2!!  So here it is, FICT #9:

(c) Neil Gardner @ Robert Rankin, 2009

(c) Neil Gardner @ Robert Rankin, 2009

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In my time as a radio presenter and producer I have written many short-form comedy items, but the one that was the most popular by far, and kept popping back at every station and on every show I worked on was something called ‘101 Interesting But Blatantly Untrue Facts’.  Over the years I have thought about trying to get these surreal and ridiculous little non-facts published as one of those little books you see by the tills in bookstores.  And then in early 2008 a publisher friend suggested I add illustrations to the book, to make it more appealing.  Who did I know who was an ace illustrator?  Who other than best-selling author of far fetched fiction Robert Rankin!  I sent the full list of 200+ non-facts to Robert and asked if he would illustrate a few IF he found the idea funny enough.  Well, he did, and so far he has produced 20 sample illustrations, all of which are, frankly, superb.

Blog Cover 1_5I have put together a sample book and have been taking it around various publishers and agents for the past 6 months.  I am also trying to get the now retitled FICTS (part fact part fiction…Robert’s very good idea) into a national newspaper as a weekly cartoon.  Whatever happens, I thought you might enjoy seeing a few of them here first.

So, every weekday, for the next 4 weeks, there will be a DAILY FICT for you to feast your eyes upon!  If you enjoy them, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE recommend this blog to friends and family, mention it on Twitter and Facebook, and if you know anyone who might be interested in publishing the book or use FICTS in a magazine, do send them our way.

Do please leave comments and feedback, links to other interesting blogs, and do also please vote on whether you like the FICTS or not using the 5-star ratings at the top of the page!

Tonsils By Night

Strange Things Come Out At Night!

Strange Things Come Out At Night!

“Tonsils By Night”

“Up and about at this time of night
What ever would your father think
Now sleep or you’ll get an awful big fright
When you see what’s climbing out of the sink!”

So imagine my doubt as my mum walked away
Leaving these thoughts in my head
Whatever could be the thing that she’d say
Would scare me back into my bed?

So after the lights had been switched off
And my parents had finally gone to sleep
I creeped from my room with barely a cough
And explored to the bathroom not making a peep.

I opened the door and to my surprise
A glow was alive in the sink
I leaned forward and adjusted my eyes
And averted my nose from the stink!

A baker’s dozen tonsils alive in the bowl
Swimming and chirping and so on
Another 15 were asleep on the towel
And some ninja one’s rode on the curtain.

I ran back to my room and hid under sheets
I feared the tonsils would follow me and
I shivered and shook and listened for creaks
And eventually slipped into sleep land.

Next morning I ran to the bathroom
And searched high and low for the ‘sils
No sign that the errant nodules did loom
They’d left and headed out to the hills!

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