Watch Out World…Snurf Factor is here!

+++ PRESS RELEASE +++

+++ Tuesday 29th Sept 2009 +++

sNurfCOM1, the Kingdom’s favourite state broadcaster has announced that starting this Saturday evening, and running for the next 147 Saturday evenings, will be the biggest entertainment audience participation educational investment portfolio renovation family programme ever devised.  Yes, that’s right, The SNURF Factor launches this weekend and is expected to get an audience of 100%, as THE THING IN CHARGE has decreed it is a hanging offence to not watch the show!

The SNURF Factor is presented by  national broadcasting treasure Leonard Nimjohn, and features four startlingly chosen guest judges.  Head of the judges is THE THING IN CHARGE, who will attend each programme via audio-telecoms from his fortress in the sky.  Joining THE THING IN CHARGE are singing pop diver DANNY MINNOW, pop princess with the unfortunate heritage CHESNEY KOLE, and a small mad sounding round furry thing that constantly shouts “BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT”.

Inhabitants of the KINGDOM OF SNURF have been queuing for months now for their chance to take part in the show…no-one has been told yet what that role may be, but it is thought that the recent culling of all experienced television personnel has left a number of jobs open on the production side of things.  But what of the rest?  Just what will the judges be judging?  Articulated lorries from around the world have been converging on the mammoth TV studios in the capital city SNURFDON, bringing a plethora of goods from every conceivable country, and several inconceivable ones!

THE THING IN CHARGE orders you to watch the show to find out more.  You will need a telephone to vote, a pen and some paper, a twenty sided dice and some shearing tongs.  You will find in this week’s sNurfCOM Times a weatherproof mack, three herring, some dimples and something special for the kids.  Ensure you have all these items displayed in your window 2 hours before the programme starts.  Inspection teams will be scouring the Kingdom.

So come one, come all (or else) to the biggest TV event ever staged.  THE THING IN CHARGE requires you to join in and have a fun evening, every Saturday for the next 147 weeks.

And who knows – it COULD be you!

N.B.  If it IS you, the employees and management of sNurfCOM1 offer you their condolences and ask that you wait patiently.  Due to the extreme numbers involved our professional and courteous staff will get to you as quickly as possible.  Please provide your own kneepads and arrange for a family member or friend to collect the bucket afterwards.

The Kingdom of Snurf – How to spot a CHESNEY

+++ Article posted by Dr. Mamalian Despray of Snurf University for Stuff n’ Tings +++

In this time of dire national emergency, it may seem strange that there would be a need for a handy guide to spotting CHESNEYS…after all, there are hundreds of thousands of them all across our beloved land.  But here at the University we’ve been literally inundated with sightings, and all of them have been WRONG!  Yes, believe it or not, spotting an actual CHESNEY, and differentiating it from the hordes of native KINGDOM OF SNURF fauna, is no easy task. So, how to spot a CHESNEY:

[1]  Can you hear running water?  If so you may have a CHESNEY near by.

[2]  Do your noses perceive the faint aroma of perfumed aniseed rackets?  Then you could indeed be close to a CHESNEY.

[3]  Have you danced in the last 48 hours?  If not, a CHESNEY may be nesting in your shoes.

[4]  Do you have only 2 sides of equal length in your mandatory state-sanctioned Equilateral Traingle? Then either you have been visited by a, or indeed many, CHESNEYS, or else you are a traitorous seditionist risking life and limb and the national need for sleep by openly owning an Isosceles Triangle…you may be crumpled up for your crimes.

If you still think you are looking at a CHESNEY, please refer to the following composite-artists-impression-photofit-image-a-pictorium:

THIS IS NOT A CHESNEY!

If you are seeing this creature we suggest you stop wasting our time, your time and the creature’s time.  You are a time waster, and in this time of national need, with CHESNEY coming out of our drains and sniffing our edges, we have no time for time wasters.  The THING IN CHARGE has decreed this time of crisis a time for no time to be wasted.

Good luck, go prepared and don’t engage the CARBALOIDS in conversation or debate.  You think the CHESNEYS are bad, don’t even start to consider what the CARBALOIDS might do if they are not controlled correctly.

And remember…THIS IS NOT A CHESNEY:

Legal Notice – This guide is a guide and meant for guidance only.  Any use of this guide as a means of guidance except where guided to make such use will be considered a seditious act and punished by no less than several short sharp things and more guidance on the correct way to take guidance from a guide.

+++ END OF ARTICLE +++

Chesneys Invade and Infest The Kingdom of Snurf!!

+++ SNURF NEWS – FRI Sept 25th 2009 +++

By Cub Reporter BERNARDO SPONGECAKE

The sleepy villages and towns of the beautiful KINGDOM OF SNURF awoke this morning not to the normal cries of the roaming croissants, or the mating pleas of the male Floating Hammerfists…instead they awoke to the sight of hundreds of thousands of smiling, effervescent CHESNEYS.  In every home and hearth, within buildings high and low, from inside and outside and from every place within and without, the CHESNEYS swarmed and bundled and in some cases, where the rivers flow, rafted!

Mayor of tourist-favourite hamlet Little Epstein, His Honour The Mighty Frump, said of the infestation,

“This is a disaster for the KINGDOM OF SNURF.  We simply can’t keep this many CHESNEYS amused.  And we all know what happens when just one CHESNEY gets bored or even just a little listless!  How do we cope with hundreds of thousands of the smiling bastards hoofing it around the place, sniffing the edges of things and making a noise?!”

The Mayor, along with all the other Mayors of the KINGDOM, called on the mysterious THING IN CHARGE to send out the CARBALOIDS.  Specially designed to cope with such times of national strife, these shock troops have only once before been sent into action.  In that instance over half the population found themselves with no socks for a month…a major reason why the CARBALOIDS are held in reserve.

But with chaos looming, a lack of support from the international community, and a dance organised for this weekend, we now face the prospect of 24 hours of CHESNEYS vs. CARBALOIDS brouhaha.  Official advice is to remain upright, unless lying down or seated, remove all packaging before heating, and never to look a CARBALOID in the face (they don’t have one!).  If you should find yourself corned by a herd of CHESNEYS, try to float upwards gently and throw sticklebricks at the beasts…they will soon lose interest and look for some edges.

+++ END OF NEWS STORY +++

The Kingdom Of Snurf

So you wanna move to the exciting and bouncy KINGDOM OF SNURF, eh?  That’s cool, we love new people here, all sorts of people in fact, and animals and vegetables and rocks and water and birds and other things too.  BUT, there are rules in the KINGDOM OF SNURF…here are some of them.  If you can handle the rules, come on in and take a look around.  If not, head back home my friend, because in the KINGDOM OF SNURF we have these creatures made from nightmares and fluff that will hunt you down and do vile, unspeakable things to you with sprouts and giggles.

The Rules (part 1)

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, you can be who you want to be, say what you want to say, do what you want to do…just don’t run in the corridors!

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, dreams are ten-a-penny, goals are variable and life is enriched by the striving for aims that are achievable and attainable.  But we don’t like semolina and that’s that!

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, you can fly like and eagle, soaring majestically above the towns and villages, rising on thermals and diving through canyons.  The sky is free for all to enjoy, but no colouring in the clouds, leave them as you find them please!

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, the one-legged porcupine is the master of all, and the slave to none.  If you meet a one-legged porcupine be polite but move along promptly!

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, three is the magic number, the only way is up, everyone loves Martika’s Kitchen, there are things that will make you go hmmmm, life is like a butterfly and everybody’s free to get real.  Just no encouraging the Jive Bunny!

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, there is no right or wrong. There is no left or right.  There is no up or down.  There is no in or out. There is no forwards or backwards.  There is only a slight feeling of grooviness and all dimensions work on a voluntary basis.  Do not ask for fixed dimensions.

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, there is but one day, and that day is FRUITDAY.  No mention may be made of other, spurious, days.

*  In the KINGDOM OF SNURF, there is a whole lotta shaking going on.  Failure to shake is punishable by mandatory cake icing and a visit to Arnold the Less-Than-Pleasant Pheasant!